I haven't felt like writing lately. I was in quite a royal funk for a week or so. Sometimes its really, really hard to be a parent. Yes, I know how fortunate I am - a healthy child, a job, a husband whom I adore and who adores me and is a fantastic dad. Knowing this makes me feel even worse about myself. So I sulk, I eat, I cry, I watch television. I feel fat and frumpy and out of the loop. And then I get over it. This week, I'm better.
Two lunches out with friends make a first-time mom feel good. I reconnected to my friends and to myself. My husband and my mom gave me the gift of time to myself, which really is the most precious gift anyone can give a new mom.
And I realized something - I want to be the best Mom I can be for Baby J, which means I need to do whatever it takes to make myself happy. When I feel good about myself I can focus my energy on my son with gusto and joy, which is exactly what that amazing little boy deserves. Being happy with myself means I deserve time with friends now and then. It means I should wear clothes that fit and make me feel good. It means I need time to move. It means I stop freaking out about dirty floors and dirty dishes all the time. This motherhood is mine - what's with all the comparing? Snap out of it!
J. deserves better. I can be better.
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First-time mom in her mid-30's tries to sort it all out...
Freedom, as defined by Natalie Goldberg
"There is freedom in being a writer and writing. It is fulfilling your function. I used to think freedom meant doing whatever you want. It means knowing who you are, what you are supposed to be doing on this earth, and then simply doing it."
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